Have you ever noticed that sometimes certain themes are repeated strangely often during a given day or week? Like all of a sudden it seems like everyone around you is talking about ostriches, when you haven’t heard the word “ostrich” mentioned in years before that? These past few weeks, a certain theme has been emerging with my clients, and when it popped up in the audio book that I listen to as I run, I knew it was time to blog about it. From Haruki Murakami’s Kafka on the Shore:
“A long time ago, I threw away something I shouldn’t have. Something I loved more than anything else. I was afraid that someday I’d lose it. So I had to let it go myself. If it was going to be stolen from me, or I was going to lose it by accident, I decided that it was better to discard it myself.”
– Miss Saeki
In this case, Miss Saeki is speaking of her son who she abandoned as a child. I have noticed that many of my clients act similarly in a variety of other situations. When faced with the prospect of soaring up on the wings of accomplishment and striving to be their greatest selves, many of us deliberately ground ourselves. Why? Because the crash (which is inevitable at some point… just ask Obama) HURTS. Much better to stay with both feet planted firmly on the ground, we reason. We may not get to experience the wonders of soaring high, but we also avoid the thud. It’s worth it. Plain and simple: we are afraid of the pain of failing, so we don’t try in the first place.
Here are some examples:
– one client of mine entertains a constant thread of self-criticism while she auditions for roles in local theatrical productions. Why? Because it’s better if she rejects herself before they can… if she thinks she stands a chance, the rejection will feel all the more painful. Thud.
– another client is trying to get pregnant, but won’t try all-out because what happens if she gives it her all, gets her hopes up, and she still can’t conceive? Thud.
– another client always dates unavailable men, because she is afraid of falling in love with someone, letting down her guard and being vulnerable, and then being dumped. Thud. Better to never have any pretenses that a relationship will last.
– another client runs a company that is stalling, because she is afraid of taking the steps to go bigger and then failing, losing money, and looking bad. Thud. Better to keep the company small and predictably just scraping by.
I would like to make a case for flying. There is no feeling quite like flying… meeting that partner, getting the big business deal, having that child. These, in fact, are our dreams, the things that we really want our lives to be about. Not going for these things that mean so much to us takes a day-to-day toll on our spirit–we feel a little heavier, a little sadder.
The key, then, is not to avoid flying and crashing, but developing a healthy relationship to the crashes. It’s like learning how to ride a bike. I remember crashing into my share of bushes, skinning my share of knees, and yes, they hurt, but little Samantha still kept on getting on that bike. How did she do it, when those bushes lurked everywhere? She knew the skinned knees would heal, and she really wanted to ride that shiny red bike.
Where have you gotten off your bike and are refusing to get back on? How are you deliberately grounding yourself and not taking flight?
A blog by Dr. Samantha Sutton, Life Coach at the Handel Group
Looking for love, fun, and connection this holiday season? If so, I have a game for you: a holiday treasure hunt. What is the treasure? Interesting, cool nuggets about the people you are celebrating the holidays with.
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